sitting in book study listening to the party line on the Eden story, I remember holding my baby boy and thinking how cruel and horrible a father big J was in that story: the whole thing lit up in this neon-yellow light in my head, how unfair to stack the deck that way! I was HORRIFIED by my own 'lack of appreciation' and squelched that little dangerous voice of reason so hard, it squeaked on the way down to my subconscious!
It kept coming back over the next few years, though. During one of those studies featuring the goofy chronology, common sense would rear its scary head and snicker at me for being such a gullible sucker. Ditto when I would read the nonsense about some piddly JW convention being fulfillment of some prophecy. I kept telling myself that I was a wrongheaded weak sinner, and trying to make myself feel grateful for all that 'spiritual food'.
When petty elder politicking in our cong became public, that little voice became more insistent. When an elder made a habit of tweaking me from the platform for knowing 'big words' ,it mocked me. When the donation arrangement kicked in, it started screaming at me.
Meetings were torture. I got a migraine every time I tried to sit and gratefully accept that hypocritical crap as spiritual food. I found it increasingly difficult to stay respectful of those horrible self-righteous 'shepherds' who were busy stabbing one another in the back.
When I got horribly ill with a systemic infection, it was too much effort to subject myself to those injections of poisonous thought while I was so sick. I quit even trying to go to the meetings. The fact that not one JW ever called or stopped by for any reason than to try to take some of my livelihood away, the fact that an elder in our cong was calling my bridge club ladies trying to solicit my cleaning jobs for other JWs behind my back, helped a lot in prying my eyes open to the reality of JWdom.
I slid out knowing it wasn't the truth, that it was in fact probably a crackpot cult, but I had no proof and no support. My suspicions about doctrine, hierarchy, and mind control were still just suspicions and conclusions drawn from direct observation. And I was on my own in a world I'd been taught all my life to fear and hate!
Years later, when hubby wired us up, I found search engines, and from there I found enough facts to verify my every suspicion and more. More importantly, I found other decent rational folks who had followed the exact same thought train out of the cult tunnel and into the light of reasonable thinking. It was very validating, and liberating, to know I am in such good company.
And every time I see what JW defenders have to say online, my gratitude for my own freedom increases. That slavery to fear and hatred was exhausting. I never found refreshment until I got out of their clutches. Now every breath is sweet.